My whole life is a testimony, my past, present and future. I love God for what he has brought me from and where he is taking me.
This is my journey.....
My life started as a secret. My mother became pregnant with me despite my father's lack of interest in having more children. They already had one child, Brad, who had major medical problems and my father just didn't want that to happen again. Brad was born with an open back (Spina Bifida) and was totally paralyzed from the waist down. While my mom was pregnant with me my father abused her regularly, and he was always paired with a vodka bottle. When I was 4 my broken father, who suffered from years of depression, took his own life on New Year's morning in front of my mother. I will never forget seeing my father laying motionless in his coffin, watching people give respects to my mother, and I will never forget pacing in front of the casket crying and asking why. My poor mother came up with every answer she could think of, besides suicide, but nothing she said appeased me until she told me the truth. The following November she married again and we embarked on a new life with a new father.
When I was 5 my new grandfather began to become intimate with me in ways I wish I could forget. I often would find refuge in my brother - I would find ways to take care of some need of his. I was always there for him, because he was my safety. No one would hurt me if Brad was around. The abuse finally ended once I was 9, I told my stepfather the horrors I felt in my heart. Unfortunately there was no therapy for me after that; I was still expected to visit my step-grandparents - I just could not spend the night. This continued until I was 22 years old. My wounds remained raw all those years pretending nothing happened and pretending to be happy around a man that caused so much pain. When I was reaching my teen years life just became harder and harder. My mother and her husband were not happy with one another, they both had different agendas, my stepfather began to drink more heavily, my mom was a workaholic, and I had issues no one wanted to talk about. All of this tension just caused many years of explosive animosity in the house. There were numerous times my stepfather would leave me places to find my own way home, he told me I was fat, ugly and the devil's spawn. He finally threatened to leave if my mom did not find somewhere else for me to live, so next thing I knew I was off to Mississippi to live with my maternal grandparents. Now don't get me wrong - I had plenty of problems by this point that exacerbated my needing to leave. By 15 I was stealing drugs out of people's pantries, I totally enjoyed pot and acid, getting drunk was an every night occurrence,and my virginity was long gone. By the time I turned 16 I was also cutting myself nightly to help with my mental pain (you can not even begin to understand cutting until you have hurt bad enough - you are numb), I had become anorexic and bulimic and I was just spinning out of control. Suicide did enter my mind multiple times - but I could not leave my brother. I needed to move out of the situation I was in, I needed to find structure and love, before Satan took over.
Moving to MS when I was 16 years old was such a culture shock I almost ran away to Michigan with my 20 year old boyfriend, but I just could not leave Brad with such instability. After a year I adjusted, made friends and began (slowly) to straighten up (and broke up with my boyfriend). Living with my grandparents, who showered me with love, discipline and God, really opened my eyes to what I was lacking. I was lacking a knowledge and love for God. Of course I did not readily succumb to that realization - I was still drowning in my own selfishness. I was trying to heal the pain with alcohol and sex (at this point I had quit taking drugs). This destructive behavior continued until I was 22 years old; I was just praying for God to help me find a way out of this black hole I had created. I knew God was there; I just did not trust him.
I finally turned my life over to God on my wedding night. Jason and I met 6 months before our wedding night, fell in love over sex and alcohol and eloped on January 1, 1998. That night we had our first married fight and thought we would divorce before the first year was over. We decided we could make it work if we only knew what that special marriage factor was. We looked at our grandparents - both sets had been married for 40+ years. What did they do; how did they stay together? They prayed together, they went to church together, they believed in God together. So we decided we would give God a try - a full honest try. About 6 months later Jason came to me and told me he wanted to be a youth minister to help teenagers through those tough years (his testimony is as troublesome as mine). Since our wedding night my life has had so much more purpose and joy. I have still had some hard times, but now I have God as my constant supporter. I have worked through some of my demons and I am continually healing. But God is my constant, he is my Savior! God has truly blessed our marriage, our family, and me.
God bless you, my dear old friend. You're one good (and tough) cookie. All I can say, is that you are wonderful. Thanks for taking such good care of my old friend Brad and for making it through everything to become a truly blessed person. Namaste.
Posted by: Jim Axelsson | May 03, 2009 at 07:35 PM
I just found your blog through the Halloween post on Heather's blog. Wow! What an amazing story you have. So beautiful to see transformation and God's healing at work in our daily lives. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Vanessa | November 01, 2008 at 02:23 PM
Well, I for one appreciate your story and your testimony. I know a great deal about how you feel. More in some ways than others, but I appreciate your candor regarding cutting. I have trichotillomania (which would seem very ironic to most and many, particularly those who know what that means and those who also know what I look like...they would say WHAT?!?!?!) I hope I can get to the point where I am so very open and do not feel like either 1) I feel like I am too weird for people to understand or 2) that I am too weird and people will not understand. Either way, I am generally reclusive and do not see you very much and even if I did would not likely say it in person. Anyway. I appreciate this.
I think it was your Facebook status that triggered me to write this. I have tossed and turned thinking on problems...my whole life. There have been days when I have been so nervous and upset I thought "I could just pull my hair out!" and then one day, I did.
Love, Sarah O'Neill Powell
Posted by: Sarah O'Neill Powell | October 26, 2008 at 01:59 PM
Well, I for one appreciate your story and your testimony. I know a great deal about how you feel. More in some ways than others, but I appreciate your candor regarding cutting. I have trichotillomania (which would seem very ironic to most and many, particularly those who know what that means and those who also know what I look like...they would say WHAT?!?!?!) I hope I can get to the point where I am so very open and do not feel like either 1) I feel like I am too weird for people to understand or 2) that I AM too weird and people will not understand. Either way, I am generally reclusive and do not see you very much and even if I did would not likely say it in person. Anyway. I appreciate this.
I think it was your Facebook status that triggered me to write this. I have tossed and turned thinking on problems...my whole life. There have been days when I have been so nervous and upset I thought "I could just pull my hair out!" and then one day, I did.
Love, Sarah O'Neill Powell
Posted by: Sarah O'Neill Powell | October 26, 2008 at 01:57 PM
I am sitting here with tears reading your story. I grew up with Jason from elementary school through high school. My story is so similar that is eery. God is so awesome to deliver us from such a horrible past and though we are not promised "perfect" days from here out we are promised his love and constant companionship. Thank you for telling a real testimony. I have a hard time sharing mine thinking what people will think if they know the horrible things I have done
Posted by: Christa Tumey Morrison | October 24, 2008 at 12:20 PM
You are so special to our family. You were an angel in the hospital to all of us. I can't ever thank you for the time you spend taking care of these children and their families. Jesus loves you and so do we!!!
The Sorrells
Posted by: Jenn Sorrell | October 14, 2008 at 09:00 AM
such a beautiful story of redemption. thank you for your authenticity!
Posted by: brandiandboys | September 12, 2008 at 04:12 PM
This is the first time I have read this. Wow. Your spirit and love for life and God is even more amazing after hearing what you have been through. You are an inspiration to me and I love you. I pray that you will be fully healed one day. I am thankful to God for blessing you with an amazing husband and 2 beautiful children.
Posted by: Heather Ivey | September 08, 2008 at 10:33 PM
I am truly sorry for you loss Nikki, i remember how special your relationship was with Brad when we were friends. I am so happy that you have found your way and have made your own mark on this world. You have a beautiful family. You have found your purpose in them. I admire your courage and your willingness to fight through the hard times. Wishing you longevity and peace....
Posted by: Melanie | September 02, 2008 at 09:32 PM
Even before you committed your life to God, there was a light that I saw in you that I have always found comforting and depended on. It has just gotten brighter over the years. I love you!
Posted by: hope | July 13, 2008 at 08:15 PM
you are my favorite. you'll never know what you mean to my life. thank you for posting this and being so honest. you are so loved!
Posted by: krystal | July 02, 2008 at 06:32 PM
Nikki, you are amazing! You're story is filled with so much courage and hope. I really feel God has used you and will continue to use you as an encouragement others to not give up, and keep pursuing Him. I love you and your family so much!
Posted by: Ken | July 02, 2008 at 09:53 AM
Wow, that is an amazing testimony. Incredibly sad, but an awesome story of God's redemption and grace.
Posted by: Brad Ruggles | July 01, 2008 at 10:36 PM
i love you Nik- my kindred spirit. I know this took alot of courage to post this publicly- but there must be a freedom in that. God brought us together broken and made each of us, In His own way and His own time- whole. Thru our husbands, friends and thru our children but mostly thru Him patiently waiting for us to stop running from Him and instead to run right into His mighty arms. I am so proud of you!
Posted by: lib | July 01, 2008 at 02:10 AM
Thanks for sharing this amazing life journey!
Posted by: CJ Mills | June 30, 2008 at 10:40 PM
Even though I have heard most of this before I can't explain how much it means to hear it again. You truly are an amazing woman who serves an amazing God. Thank you so much for your openness. Look forward to seeing you guys again soon. Much Love
Canterbury.
Posted by: Ryan Canterbury | June 30, 2008 at 10:30 PM